Jane Austen, Vampyre Critic
Inquiring Reader,
Here then is Lizzie’s last letter to her sister relating her adventures with Mr. Darcy, Vampyre. She had divided her thoughts into three missives, not wanting to burden Jane with all of her emotions at once. For another take on the book, please click here and read Laurel Ann’s well thought out review on Austenprose and a favorable review on Austenblog. Three bloggers, three points of view.
My dearest Jane,
Well, what a crock, as they say in 21st century America! I’ve had to delve a full 250 pages into Mr. Darcy Vampyre to find out what was going to happen to us. And then the plot was so rushed and jumbled that I never did received an adequate explanation of how vampyres came to be, or what exactly Mr. Darcy ate in order to survive for 150 years. Upon my honor, Jane, I am aware that men are not particularly conversant when it comes to giving out details, but I’d had no notion that Mr. Darcy suffered from a verbal disability. He could not for the life of him adequately explain his strange tale. In describing one of the most important events of his life – that of turning into a vampyre – he took all of 21 words. (STOP!: Major Spoiler Alert: “The woman turned to me, her fangs dripping red and then she was next to me and my neck was pierced”).
Ms. Anne Rice took pages and pages to describe the writhing tormenting death that humans go through to turn into vampyres, and even Ms. Stephanie Meyers hinted that the transformation was quite unpleasantly painful, but all I got from Mr. Darcy was twenty one itty bitty little words. In addition he made it sound as if turning into a vampyre was an ordinary event, with Mrs. Reynolds, the housekeeper, choosing to join the merry Pemberley vampyre band, although, to give Ms. Grange her due, my husband’s face WAS shadowed as he related these events.
Any discerning reader knows that Ms. Meyers can’t write her way out of a paper bag, but at least with Twilight she told a rousing good tale. Ms. Meyers also gave the reader ample glimpses of Edward Cullen’s mental torment and extraordinary physical skills. Ms Grange’s story of my life with Mr. Darcy is, frankly, missing the otherworldly touches and sensuality that vampyre fans have come to expect as their due. (Either that or humor, which is also absent. And you know how I am renowned for my BITING wit, hah!) Her hints about my husband are so thinly scattered in 5/6th of the book that they left me feeling confused rather than threatened. To say that suspense was lacking in our tale is to state the obvious. In the instances when Ms. Grange eschewed Bram Stoker’s lore, her vampyre rules seemed jerry-rigged, for they sprung up from nowhere, unsupported by a well thought-out back story. I could never quite tell (except in a few meagre scenes at the end) which super powers my husband had supposedly acquired, how ancient vampyres ruled their vampyre empire, or how conflicted Mr. Darcy felt watching those he loved grow old and die whilst he lived on forever.
Never was a more sensual and sensuous vampyre created than The Vampire Lestat, and I felt that my Mr. Darcy deserved at the very least the rich, decadent and multi-layered descriptions that Anne Rice gave to her own vampire. But it was not to be. There was a lot of telling in this book, but very little showing, and scent and touch were largely missing. Ms. Grange turned Mr. Darcy into a milque toast vampyre when I frankly would have preferred someone darker.
To add insult to injury, I am also suffering from a major letdown. When Mr. Darcy and I finally came together as one, Ms. Grange glossed over our glorious moments in a single paragraph. I kid you not. My love for Darcy SAVED him from eternal damnation and hell, (and crumbling buildings, fissures, and falling statues). I think that at the very least I deserved to sing soprano as our entwined souls soared to the rafters! Instead I merely trembled and weakened. I’m done and refuse to lend my good name (and Mr. Darcy’s) to another sequel. My husband and I are headed for England and the hallowed halls of Pemberley, for I am genuinely concerned about your last letter. Your cryptic statement informing me that our friends the Misses Dashwood were abducted by a giant octopus leaves me most anxious to use my zombie slayer warrior skills to save them.
Love,
Mrs. Darcy, Once sang alto, now sings soprano
Vic gives this book One and 1/2 fangs out of four fangs, mostly for trying, for as a travel log the book is quite satisfying. Read the other reviews here:
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I think you’re a bit harsh, though funny, and I enjoyed reading your three letters. Did you see the review on Austenblog? I’m curious to know what you thought about it and how her reaction is so different from yours.
CB: Austenblog made some interesting points, and they are valid. In fact, if you read the book from her perspective, it all begins to make sense. But I expected a vampire novel, not a Gothic parody of Mrs. Radcliffe, Udolpho, or Northanger Abbey. Rules of the vampire novel may be bent – in fact it is fun when an author does so – but these rules need to be made explicit early on and not merely sprung upon a reader at a convenient turn late in the plot.
Also, had the book been titled Mr. Bingley, Vampyre, I would have been more favorably disposed towards the enterprise, for Elizabeth behaved more like a sweet, passive Jane in this novel than the feisty Elizabeth that we have come to know so well in P&P. And not once did we enter Mr. Darcy’s mind. The simple plot device of a letter (which would have echoed his long letter to Lizzie the morning after she rejected his proposal) would have allowed him to tell his tale from a personal perspective, satisfying my yearning to know more from his side and how he came to be a vampyre.
There is a third reason why I disliked the way the story unfolded, especially if it was meant to be an homage to Jane Austen. Jane was an expert at dropping clues and hints. With Emma she practically invented the mystery novel (or helped to move the genre forward.) The first 250 pages of Amanda’s book lacked supsense, gothic, vampyric, or otherwise, because of the dearth of dropped hints.
One of the reasons why I was so disappointed with this book was that I had such high hopes for it. Amanda Grange is a best selling author with a much respected reputation. And I do know how difficult it is to write a novel and get it published. My hat goes off to Ms. Grange for doing this successfully and repeatedly, and I respect her enormously for this. In addition, I love books, movies, and television shows about vampires. In fact, one of my favorite films is Love at First Bite with George Hamilton, and who cannot love Buffy the Vampire Slayer? So my expectations were high. I could not WAIT to read this book. Even with my general dislike of Jane Austen sequels, I agreed to review Mr. Darcy, Vampyre because the combination of Jane and vampire seemed right in this author’s hands. Imagine my disappointment when the book fell short in my opinion.
If the story was meant to be a parody/echo/homage of Mrs. Radcliffe’s gothic novels, I would have expected the title to promise such a topic. In my profession, which is adult education, one has to activate prior knowledge before comprehension can occur. My prior knowledge was activated with this word – Vampyre. ‘Nuff said.
Vic
oh my,you’re so funny,I love you
I just ran across your reviews. Too funny. Thanks for the laugh.
I think the fact that Amanda Grange has been so successful with her P & P spin-offs led me down the disappointing crimson path, as well. Thanks for the laughs!
While reading your letter gave me ease in averting this time suck of a novel, I was none the less distressed in the end. I don’t purport to be an expert, though my friends have told me so, it can’t have escaped a proper governess to impart the universal knowledge that zombies are no match for giant squid.
Equally so, vampires are unmatched as the toxic ink will render confusion with cries of, “Come back black chicken.” Therefore, in the immortal words of Count Dracula, “Children of the night, shut up!”
Captain Nemo, being a great friend of my cousin whom I met in Bath upon the occasion of being implored to delight the gathered with my touch on the pianoforte, and, if I am permitted the telling of a confidence, he most heartily enjoyed my toilette too, will be all too delighted upon receiving correspondence from my direction. I shall prevail upon him to come to the aid of the Misses Dashwoods post haste.
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Vic, well done! I have to admit that I love the design of the cover of the book. But your review gave me all I needed to know about the content. Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had all day!
Thanks for a very creative and entertaining review.
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