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Thankfulness and Marriage Proposals in Jane Austen’s Novels

November 23, 2020 by Brenda S Cox

By Brenda S. Cox

“Give us a thankful sense of the Blessings in which we live, of the many comforts of our Lot; that we may not deserve to lose them by Discontent or Indifference.” — Jane Austen’s Prayers I

Jane Austen talks a lot about thankfulness. In all three of her prayers, she gives thanks to God and also prays to be made more grateful for all our blessings. In her novels and other writings, she uses some form of the words thanks or gratitude 722 times! That means each novel probably includes at least a hundred references to thankfulness.

Austen uses thanks in many ways. Surprisingly, she often uses gratitude in talking about marriage proposals and the development of love that leads to marriage.

Thanks for Asking!

An offer of marriage was expected to provoke gratitude, whether the woman said yes or no.

When Emma advises Harriet on how to refuse Robert Martin, she says that Harriet will know how to write “such expressions of gratitude and concern for the pain you are inflicting as propriety requires.” (Italics are added, throughout these quotes.) Obviously, propriety required that if a man asked a woman to marry him, she should thank him.

Even if the proposal was unwanted, the woman had to say thank you. Elizabeth Bennet tries to avoid Mr. Collins’s proposal, but still, when he asks, she has to say:

“Accept my thanks for the compliment you are paying me.”

When he insists, she says, “I thank you again and again for the honour you have done me in your proposals, but to accept them is absolutely impossible.” Even though she doesn’t want his proposal, she is obligated to thank him for it.

Even for a proposal from Mr. Collins, Elizabeth Bennet had to express gratitude.

There is one exception, though, which might have shocked the original readers.

When Darcy proposes the first time, Elizabeth says to him,

“In such cases as this, it is, I believe, the established mode to express a sense of obligation for the sentiments avowed, however unequally they may be returned. It is natural that obligation should be felt, and if I could feel gratitude, I would now thank you. But I cannot—I have never desired your good opinion, and you have certainly bestowed it most unwillingly.”

Gratitude was an obligation; the woman was obliged to feel grateful that a man liked her enough to ask her to marry him. But she is so angry at his words, and so prejudiced against his character, that she just can’t thank him for his proposal.

Of course, she soon changes her mind. After she reads his letter, we find that,  “his attachment excited gratitude, his general character respect.” What a switch!

Once Elizabeth reads Darcy’s letter, her attitude changes from ingratitude to gratitude.

And it continues. When at Pemberley, after talking to Mrs. Reynolds, Elizabeth “thought of his regard with a deeper sentiment of gratitude than it had ever raised before.”

First Comes Gratitude, Then Love and Marriage

Elizabeth’s gratitude, of course, led eventually to love.

Charlotte Lucas had told Elizabeth earlier on in Pride and Prejudice, “There is so much of gratitude or vanity in almost every attachment, that it is not safe to leave any to itself. We can all begin freely—a slight preference is natural enough; but there are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement.”

In other words, the boy likes the girl. She starts to like him back, and shows that she prefers him to other boys. He is “grateful” for that, so he likes her even more. Then she likes him more because he shows he likes her. And so on. This, my friends, is Jane Austen’s theory of how love develops. We see it again and again in her novels.

First, think about this question: For which of Jane Austen’s characters was gratitude the beginning of falling in love?

The obvious ones are Elizabeth Bennet and Henry Tilney. We’ll come back to them later.

Fanny Price

But how about Fanny Price?

Early in Mansfield Park, Edmund shows kindness to little Fanny. Then, “her countenance and a few artless words fully conveyed all their gratitude and delight, and her cousin began to find her an interesting object.”

Fanny and Edmund’s relationship starts growing with gratitude—her gratitude to him awakens his interest in her. Further kindnesses lead to more gratitude—Fanny is by nature a very grateful person. Edmund’s love for her, brotherly at first, grows. It takes a long time, but Edmund finally realizes that the perfect woman for him is right in front of him!

Earlier, though, because gratitude leads to love, both Mary Crawford and Edmund Bertram were convinced that Fanny would accept Henry Crawford out of gratitude. Mary tells Henry, “The gentleness and gratitude of her disposition would secure her . . . ask her to love you, and she will never have the heart to refuse.” Edmund tells Fanny, “I cannot suppose that you have not the wish to love him—the natural wish of gratitude.” However, Fanny’s gratitude toward Edmund is much greater than her gratitude toward Henry, and it is Edmund she loves.

Gratitude is not enough to cause Fanny Price to accept Henry Crawford.

Harriet Smith

In Emma, “Harriet certainly was not clever, but she had a sweet, docile, grateful disposition.” All Harriet’s loves are all based on gratitude. First, she is grateful to Robert Martin, who got her walnuts and brought in the shepherd’s son to sing for her. Then she is attracted to Mr. Elton, because Emma says he is attracted to her. Her next love is Mr. Knightley, who rescues her at the dance. She thinks of him with “gratitude, wonder, and veneration.” Of course, Emma thinks Harriet has fallen in love with Frank Churchill, out of gratitude to him for rescuing her from the gypsies. Then when Robert Martin proposes again, Harriet is so grateful that she immediately says yes, not waiting for anyone to dissuade her this time!

NOT Captain Benwick, though

In Persuasion, Captain Wentworth is surprised that Benwick has fallen in love with Louisa Musgrove. Wentworth says, “Had it been the effect of gratitude, had he learnt to love her, because he believed her to be preferring him, it would have been another thing. But I have no reason to suppose it so. It seems, on the contrary, to have been a perfectly spontaneous, untaught feeling on his side, and this surprises me.” He is assuming that gratitude is the normal, most obvious reason for love. If it’s not there, that is unusual.

Also in Persuasion, William Elliot is excused for marrying a rich woman because she was “excessively in love with him . . . She sought him.” Gratitude was an obvious and acceptable reason for marriage.

Elizabeth and Darcy

For Elizabeth Bennet also, love begins with gratitude.

After she sees Darcy at Lambton, she lies awake trying to figure out how she feels about him: “But above all, above respect and esteem, there was a motive within her of goodwill which could not be overlooked. It was gratitude.–Gratitude, not merely for having once loved her, but for loving her still well enough to forgive all the petulance and acrimony of her manner in rejecting him . . . Such a change in a man of so much pride, excited not only astonishment but gratitude—for to love, ardent love, it must be attributed . . . She respected, she esteemed, she was grateful to him. . .”

Austen later explains, “If gratitude and esteem are good foundations of affection, Elizabeth’s change of sentiment will be neither improbable nor faulty.” But, she says, if it is “unreasonable or unnatural” that love should come from gratitude and respect, rather than coming from simply seeing the other person, then “nothing can be said in her defence,” except that she had tried love at first sight with Wickham, and it had not gone well.

When Darcy proposes the second time (if you can call it a proposal), Elizabeth tells him her feelings are so different that she can “receive with gratitude and pleasure his present assurances.” What a change from the first time!

Henry and Catherine

In Northanger Abbey, we find the same justification for love. When Henry Tilney proposes to Catherine Morland, they both know she already loves him. He is now “sincerely attached to her,” but “his affection originated in nothing better than gratitude.” Knowing that she was partial to him “had been the only cause of giving her a serious thought.” Austen adds, “It is a new circumstance in romance, I acknowledge, and dreadfully derogatory of an heroine’s dignity; but if it be as new in common life, the credit of a wild imagination will at least be all my own.”

Henry Tilney’s love for Catherine begins with gratitude, because she thinks highly of him.

Apparently for Jane Austen, gratitude at being loved by someone else was the best first step toward falling in love yourself.

Gratitude to God for the Engagement

Both Anne Elliot and Emma Woodhouse also express gratitude after they are engaged. But now they are expressing it to God, though we might not recognize what they are doing.

The word serious in Austen’s time often signalled something religious. According to Stuart Tave’s A Few Words of Jane Austen, serious reflection or meditation actually meant prayer.

After Anne Elliot accepts Wentworth’s proposal in Persuasion, she needs “An interval of meditation, serious and grateful.” So, “she went to her room, and grew steadfast and fearless in the thankfulness of her enjoyment.” This serious, grateful meditation means that Anne is thanking God for finally bringing her and Captain Wentworth back together.

Emma Woodhouse gets engaged, but she’s still worried about Harriet. However, once she heard that Harriet was also engaged, “She was in dancing, singing, exclaiming spirits; and till she had moved about, and talked to herself, and laughed and reflected, she could be fit for nothing rational. . . . The joy, the gratitude, the exquisite delight of her sensations may be imagined. . . . Serious she was, very serious in her thankfulness, and in her resolutions; and yet there was no preventing a laugh, sometimes in the very midst of them.” Have you wondered how she could be both serious and laughing? Serious tells us that her focus is on God. She is rejoicing and thanking God for bringing both herself and Harriet together with the men they loved.

So, the next time you receive a marriage proposal, be sure to tell the person “Thank you” before you answer. And if you decide to say “Yes,” you may want to thank God as well!

Thankfulness

If you want to think more about thankfulness, and its place in some of our favorite classics, I recommend both of Rachel Dodge’s lovely devotional books:

Praying With Jane, and

The Anne of Green Gables Devotional, which is brand-new.

Each includes gratitude as well as other valuable themes we can apply to our lives. And both would make great Christmas presents! Rachel Dodge, of course, writes regularly for Jane Austen’s World.

If you want more ideas for Austen-themed Christmas gifts, you might want to check out my post on Jane Austen Christmas Presents.

Austen’s novels are full of examples of gratitude and ingratitude. These were important issues for her. Who do you think gives the best example of gratitude, or ingratitude, in Austen’s novels?

 

You can connect with Brenda S. Cox, the author of this article, at Faith, Science, Joy, and Jane Austen or on Facebook.

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Posted in Jane Austen Novels, Jane Austen's World, Manners, Marriage, Regency Customs | Tagged gratitude, jane austen, love based on gratitude, marriage proposals, reasons for love, thankfulness, Thanksgiving | 12 Comments

12 Responses

  1. on November 23, 2020 at 02:02 ShiraDest

    Thanks for this review, Brenda! :-)
    Happy Holidays,
    Shira


  2. on November 23, 2020 at 02:28 robhban

    An interesting article, but while I would hope no one would marry simply out of gratitude today, it does seem to me that it is simply good manners to thank people who pay you a compliment if you believe it to be sincere. Today, good manners sadly seem to be out of fashion, but there is another, darker side to Jane Austen’s period: I am pretty sure there was a great shortage of men at the time and the unfair laws regarding financial management made it very difficult to live as a single woman unless as a widow. Jane herself was lucky in having some rich, generous family members, but even so, she had to live very modestly.


  3. on November 23, 2020 at 02:29 dholcomb1

    What a wonderful article. Thank you!

    denise


  4. on November 23, 2020 at 02:40 Leslie Berg

    Enjoyed your thoughtful and informative article, Brenda. I admit that I have often been grateful myself for how neatly Austen sorts out her characters’ romantic lives. Harriet Smith was undoubtedly very happy, cherished, and useful in the Martins’ warm, pleasant home, while she could never have been so with Mr. Elton.
    For most ungrateful I think Wickham may lead, as he had received unusual kindness and guidance at Rosings. To repay it by attempting to corrupt and elope with Georgiana was devious and unprincipled, and he did not even do her the justice of loving her as an excuse.


    • on November 23, 2020 at 02:43 Leslie Berg

      Oops, Rosings! I meant Pemberly🙄.


  5. on November 23, 2020 at 08:37 generalgtony

    “First Comes Gratitude, Then Love and Marriage.” Jane Austen had a great liking for Dr Johnson, his writings and his ideas. There is some research that suggests Jane formed a lot of her ideas about human relationships from Johnson’s novel Rasellas Prince of Asia. An exploration by the characters of human nature. The idea that ,”gratitude,” leads to love is very flimsy I think. I get the meditation bit though. However I am sure meditation does mean prayer but not necessarily. We all ponder situations without necessarily making it into a prayer.I am sure that was the same in the 18th century.
    As for saying ,thankyou, for a proposal of marriage even if unwanted. I wonder if this is one of those English traits, a national habit like saying ,”sorry,” to everything. I say ,sorry, a lot and don’t even realise I have said it. “Sorry,” ha! Ha!. I must admit it is easy for us nowadays to impose our modern view of human relations on novels of the past. Formulas about relationships can fall apart. We are far more complex than an idea.


    • on November 23, 2020 at 11:51 Patty S

      Tony, I agree with you. The gratitude expressed seems like more of a figure of speech, and a customary reply used in numerous situations.


    • on November 23, 2020 at 16:34 Leslie Berg

      I think the fact that Darcy was right, though unflattering, bothered Elizabeth very much, especially because she had previously made those exact observations about her family herself. If he had merely pointed out her family’s failings, she may have been too fair minded to be outraged, but his separation of Jane and Bingley was virtually unforgivable.
      I think Mr. Collins is an interesting complication. Although Elizabeth can’t bring herself to marry him, and may be surprised that Charlotte did, a reader doesn’t despise Charlotte for her decision, even with our current values. We even expect that he may become a better man for knowing her, and lose some of his toadying, and gain some rational, but not exaggerated, self respect. I wonder if he represents the path not taken when Austen rejected her friends’ brother, the heir of Manydown, whom she had accepted when on a visit, but then changed her mind during the night. This must have been a difficult position for her. I do imagine she thanked him for the honor of his proposal, though.


  6. on November 23, 2020 at 13:00 Brenda S Cox

    Thank you all for your thoughts!
    I just want to clarify that Austen shows gratitude as often being a FIRST STEP toward love and marriage; not that it’s the only basis for marriage. She did feel strongly that love was important for marriage. But she’s showing that feeling grateful that someone prefers you can be the start of falling in love with that person. That’s the way I interpret what she repeatedly says, anyway.
    And, yes, Tony, thanking someone for a marriage proposal was certainly a convention (one of the “proprieties”), and you didn’t have to mean it. I don’t think Elizabeth was really grateful for Mr. Collins’s proposal, but she had to say thank you anyway. She was being polite. Which makes her rudeness to Darcy even more obvious!


  7. on November 23, 2020 at 14:15 generalgtony

    Brenda, come on!! The thing with Darcys first proposal was that it was an insult , and what made it worse was that he didn’t realise it. His superior rank in society made him think he could demean people. It came naturally.
    Mr Collins proposal was merely cringeworthy . Elizabeth was far too shocked and hurt to be polite to Fitzwilliam D.. Her reply to Darcy shows, that rudeness certainly doesn’t warrant politeness in return. I am surprised she wasn’t aggressive in her reply. Even in the 18th century certain things do not require politeness. Maybe her readers were not shocked at her lack of politeness more surprised at her lack of deserved rudeness in reply


    • on November 23, 2020 at 16:23 Brenda S Cox

      Certainly Darcy was rude; repeatedly. And Elizabeth’s response is totally understandable to that rudeness. I’m not sure that Elizabeth thought that his rudeness justified hers, though. Later, she is grateful to Darcy for forgiving “all the petulance and acrimony of her manner in rejecting him.” So it sounds like she thought she was rude. But I agree that his “manner” was far worse than hers! He needed to totally change his way of relating to people. She needed to let go of her prejudices. So they both had something to learn, which is one of the beauties of Pride and Prejudice, imho.


  8. on November 23, 2020 at 17:40 Vic

    Such a perfect post before Thanksgiving. Thank you, Brenda.



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